A Grudge Imprisons All Parties to It

I've heard it preached that, when I hold a grudge, I hurt only myself. The other person is not affected. But this is simply false. As long as either of us is holding a grudge, we are both imprisoned in it, until the one holding the grudge releases it. I must offer unlimited forgiveness, and not give in to bearing a grudge toward those who have hurt me. And I must be aware that my grudge always affects other people.

I’ve heard it preached that, when I hold a grudge, I hurt only myself. The other person is not affected.

But this is simply false.

As long as either of us is holding a grudge, we are both imprisoned in it, until the one holding the grudge releases it. Look at Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18, which I will present one small chunk at a time:

Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18:21-22 (WEB)

Peter started the conversation about forgiveness by asking Jesus how often he should forgive someone who sinned against him. He thought he was being generous by offering to forgive the offender seven times.

Jesus must have shocked Peter with his response. There is actually some controversy whether the phrase Jesus used meant Peter should forgive an offender seventy times seven (i.e. 490) times or should forgive seventy times seventy times seventy, repeated seven times (i.e., 8,235,430,000,000) offenses.

Even 490 is more than the number of times most people will offend against me. And 8,235,430,000,000 is more than the number of seconds in 263 thousand years!

Either way, Jesus was saying don’t even bother to count the offenses, Peter, you will never reach the number necessary to justify retaliation or holding a grudge. This is made even clearer by the parable Jesus then told.

Therefore the Kingdom of [the] Heaven[s] is like a certain king, who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.

Matthew 18:23 (WEB)

First, it needs to be said that this is not a parable about the way things are in “Heaven,” that place far above us and presently out of our reach where we believe will go after we die. There is no sin in that “Heaven,” so there will also be no need for me to show forgiveness there. No one will ever sin against me in that Heaven.

No, this is a story about the way things are like in, literally (in the Greek) “the Kingdom of the heavens.” As I have already worked out in another place (The Heavens are All Around Us!), the Kingdom of “the heavens” is the realm God rules, which includes both the realm he rules on Earth in the present time and that other “Heaven” where his throne is. It is the kingdom with which I connect in the here and now when I trust God and let him be God.

In this parable, Jesus compares the kingdom of the heavens that is at work all around me with a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. In interpreting this story, I must remember that it is a story told to illustrate why I must forgive those who sin against me an essentially infinite number of times, without keeping count of how often they have hurt me before.

In answering Peter’s–and my–question, Jesus’ focus is on the King (a picture of God) who has an account to settle with me. The focus is not on me, the person who has offended against me, or their offense. This is usually not the focus in Jesus’ stories about the Kingdom. But in the context of a question about how often, or how much, I should forgive, it is exactly the right emphasis. In asking what I should forgive in others, the first thing I should think about is God’s claim against me. If I want to settle my accounts with you, God also wants to settle his accounts with me!

When he had begun to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.  But because he couldn’t pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, with his wife, his children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

Matthew 18:24-25 (WEB)

But this creates a problem. In Jesus story, the servant who was brought before the King owed him a huge debt–more than a whole legion of people could earn in a lifetime. There was no way he was ever going to be able to repay this debt. So the King, the picture of a strict creditor, ordered that the servant, his family, and everything he owned be sold, to recover as much of an inadequate partial payment as possible. Just like modern creditors!

The servant therefore fell down and knelt before him, saying, ‘Lord, have patience with me, and I will repay you all!’

Matthew 18:26 (WEB)

The servant who the King called to account fell down before the King and pleaded that the King have patience with him. He did not ask the King to forgive his debt. He only asked the King to have patience with him and give him more time to pay. And he promised to pay if given more time. But remember–this servant owed the King more than he could ever possibly repay, just like I once owed more than I could possibly pay.

The lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him and forgave him the debt.

Matthew 18:27 (WEB)

The King, the lord of that servant, then did something very unexpected. The servant had begged only for more time to pay. The King gave him much more than he had asked. He released the servant and forgave the debt.

After this, the first servant’s huge debt was “forgiven.” He had been “released” from it. These terms had the same legal meanings they do today. His huge debt no longer existed. The King could never again call upon him to pay it. This is an important fact to remember in interpreting the rest of the story.

“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him one hundred denarii, and he grabbed him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’

Matthew 18:28 (WEB)

But the forgiven servant did not remember the favor the King had done him. When he found another servant who owed him a much smaller debt, he violently demanded payment from him. The point made is not that the debt the second servant owed was so small as to be unimportant. One hundred denarii was about three months’ wages for an average worker. So it was a substantial debt. And it is a picture of a very significant offense against me: some act that is wrongful and causes great loss or deep hurt.

But one hundred denarii was also a debt that would have been within the power of the second servant to repay within a few years, if given more time. This contrasts with the first servant’s debt to the King, which was so huge he could never possibly have paid it.

“So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will repay you!’

Matthew 18:29 (WEB)

Just as the first servant had begged the King for more time, the second servant begs the first servant for more time. The important difference is that the second servant’s debt was one he could probably have repaid, if the first servant had given him more time.

He would not, but went and cast him into prison until he should pay back that which was due.

Matthew 18:30 (WEB)

But, instead of showing the second servant the patience he had begged for, the servant who had been forgiven the huge debt insisted on his legal rights. He had the second servant thrown into prison until that servant’s family and friends paid his debt to secure his release. (Obviously, the second servant couldn’t work to repay the debt while he was in prison!)

The second servant remains in prison for the rest of the story. He is never released, as far as the story goes.

So when his fellow servants saw what was done, they were exceedingly sorry, and came and told their lord all that was done.

Matthew 18:31 (WEB)

Because the second servant was in prison, he couldn’t go to the King himself to appeal his imprisonment. And, even if he had been able to appeal to the King, it would have done him no good. He owed the debt that was keeping him in prison to the first servant, not to the King. It wasn’t the King’s debt to forgive.

Nevertheless, when some other servants of the king saw what had happened, they understood the unfairness of it, felt sorry for the second servant, and took sides with him. This very realistic aspect of the story illustrates the fact that I should not expect that I will ever be able to keep the effects of my grudges strictly between the person I hold in contempt and myself. Inevitably, as I continue to act on a grudge, other people will see what I am doing, judge the situation themselves, and take sides. Contempt toward me, or toward my debtor, will ultimately spread to many people, if not resolved quickly. My grudge will become their grudge–and one they can’t forgive, because they don’t own the underlying debt/offense. This is the “root of bitterness” that “defiles many” spoken of in Hebrews 12:15.

In Jesus’ story, the other servants take their feeling that the second servant has been wronged before the King.

Then his lord called him in and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?’

Matthew 18:32-33 (WEB)

What is the King’s response?

It is important to note that the King does not respond by releasing the second servant from prison.

Instead, he calls in the first servant, the one he forgave the huge debt. He calls him a “wicked servant” because, after the King forgave him the huge debt, he refused to “have mercy” on the servant who owed him the much smaller debt. Even giving the second servant the mercy he asked for–more time to repay–might have sufficed. But the wicked, forgiven but unforgiving servant would not even do that. He had insisted on his legal right to have his debtor imprisoned.

Verse 33 contains the last mention of the wicked servant’s “fellow servant.” He remains in prison.

His lord was angry and delivered him to the tormentors until he should pay all that was due to him.

Matthew 18:34 (WEB)

The Lord was angered by the wicked servant’s refusal to show mercy to his fellow servant.

The Lord delivered the wicked, unforgiving servant “to the tormentors” until he “paid all that was due.”

But what was due? The original, huge debt had been “released” and “forgiven.” All that could remain due to the Lord was that the wicked servant show his debtor the same mercy the Lord had shown him.

The debt that was still owed to the Lord was the duty to release the second servant from prison. The Lord could not do this. Only the unforgiving servant could.

So the story ends with both servants in prison. The wicked servant was in prison and being tortured there (and grudges do torture me!) until he released the second servant. The second servant was in prison until either he repaid his smaller debt to the first servant without leaving the prison to earn the means to do so OR the wicked servant released him. And the wicked servant–the one holding the grudge–held the key to the prison doors for both of them.

So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.

Matthew 18:35 (WEB)

Jesus’ parable is obviously a warning to me. And Jesus says what he is warning me about: God the Father will treat me the same way the King in the parable treated the wicked servant if I do not forgive others for their mistakes against me. As long as I hold a grudge, it will imprison and torture me. God does this because holding a grudge makes me different from him in his mercy, and because my grudge inevitably affects others. The person I despise for holding a grudge is also a prisoner of it. At the very least, it restrains the other person because any help or encouragement God wants them to receive through me will be blocked, even if I don’t retaliate or gossip against them. And, as the grudge continues over time, my attitude will inevitably “rub off” on others, causing them to take sides and join us in our prison.

It is also a warning to the Body of Christ–who should be living in the Kingdom now–because, while Peter asked the original question, Jesus’ conclusion in verse 35 is stated in the second person plural (“you all”). So, Jesus answered Peter’s question about how often he, personally, needed to forgive with a warning that, if we are not careful, we can all together get off the track and into imprisonment and torture through unforgiveness. Yikes!

But I have applied his mostly to myself, and that is all I will say about the community aspect of unforgiveness in this post.

I must offer unlimited forgiveness, and not give in to bearing a grudge toward those who have hurt me. And I must be aware that my grudge always affects other people.

Next: What is a root of bitterness?

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