Notice of Open, Confessed and Uncorrectable Hypocrisy

I will now, in my own heart, become a hypocrite because others in authority say I should.  I must overlook the continued existence of a justified grudge another believer holds against me and return to ordinary service in the church.  But I will not cover up my hypocrisy.  I hereby declare my hypocrisy openly.

I will now, in my own heart, become a hypocrite because others in authority say I should.  I must overlook the continued existence of a justified grudge another believer holds against me and return to ordinary service in the church.

 But I will not cover up my hypocrisy. 

I hereby declare my hypocrisy openly. 

My reckless words have seriously wounded a much younger sister in Christ whom I, in fact, love.  The wound is so deep that, in spite of my best efforts to seek reconciliation, she will likely never forgive me. 

I’m old.  I don’t have much longer to be in this world.

So, I have the permanent and unwashable guilt, in this world, at least, of placing what may become a long lifetime of bitterness—and all the tortures that go with it—on a much younger sister whom I love. This is a very heavy burden for me. And  I still think this disqualifies me from most service in the church.  I’ve explained how I concluded this from Matthew 5:20-25 and Matthew 18 on a lot of posts here. 

My once-friend won’t even look at me, and I’m surprised God can still look at me with kindness.  I know He can do it only because He looks at me and sees Jesus in me instead.

Lord, please open my friend’s eyes to the Jesus who still lives in me!

But those in authority have now told me that my reckless words are not the kind of “moral” offense that should disqualify me from anything, even though they are not and never will be forgiven by the one I’ve injured.  If recklessly condemning a friend to a long lifetime of bitterness and resulting torture isn’t a serious “moral” offense, I have great trouble imagining what would be!

Others have also made the pragmatic point that, if all believers treated unresolved offenses in the Church as seriously as I do, every local church on earth would shut down for lack of workers qualified to do the work.

This is likely true. But might not God then bring the churches back to life as, at first, much smaller groups that are really serious about maintaining their unity under their one Head, Jesus?   Something more like the early church?  We will never know what churches like that might accomplish, because they don’t exist in the present world.  They will never exist as long as the usual approach is to keep things pleasant and cordial, merely “nice,” and therefore to encourage those who say they can’t forgive to merely forget and to completely ignore the offender (who despite being ignored remains a member of the same Body of Christ with them). 

Even when it succeeds, this approach only keeps things “nice” and pleasant, while driving the bitterness of the grudge underground to attack new targets.  Only forgiveness actually eliminates it.   And in my case, barring a miraculous intervention of some kind—for which I will always pray—this will simply never happen. 

BUT I must now bow to the authorities over me and return to regular service.  Expediency, the necessity that the local church must continue as usual, must win.

In so doing, I will become a hypocrite in my own heart.

At the same time, I must be continually aware of my need to ask God before I say anything to anyone, ever.  When I’m in control, my words can become a very destructive force before I even recognize I’ve done anything wrong.  I must always speak slowly, carefully, and with great sorrow for the damage I’ve already done.

I must now learn to live as an open and announced hypocrite, an unforgiven one doing the Lord’s work.

May the Lord help me!

And, above all, Lord, see my pain and hear my cries for my friend, who faces a lifetime of pain because of me. Show her the way of escape, soon. Put her tortures on me instead, if that will help. (I am not wiser than You. You know what will help!) And if You know that she will be able to forgive me someday, but not while I’m alive, take me home soon. Let her forgive my grave soon and go free. Deliver her, Lord, from the path on which I have placed her.